Tag: mixed orientation relationship

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Episode 6: Thanksgiving Wrap Up; Holidays and Hard Conversations

In this episode, we recap our Thanksgiving holiday and look forward to the rest of the holiday season … not without some trepidation. As we discussed in our last episode, this time of year can be difficult for LGBTQ+ folks, including those of us in mixed-orientation relationships.

Thinking of how to deal with the holidays to come, in the diversity, equity, and inclusion space we often talk about the need to get uncomfortable and have hard conversations about things like privilege and implicit bias. But we seem to be unwilling to have hard conversations about one of the biggest sources of friction between straight, cis-gender people and the LGBTQ+ community: Religion. Or, more specifically, the way so many people use religion as a justification to discriminate against the queer community and deny us our basic humanity.

Well, now more than ever, the time has come to have that conversation, because just about everywhere you look these days there’s somebody saying that anything that they dislike, anything that inconveniences them, and anything that makes them uncomfortable is against their religion. Whether it’s claiming that their religious beliefs exempt them from having to get vaccinated or wear face coverings, or that those beliefs give them license to discriminate against others on the basis of sexual orientation or identity, “religion” is the ever-expanding excuse to get out of the basic responsibilities of living in a modern, pluralistic society.

But these so-called religious beliefs often don’t withstand scrutiny. Instead, “religion” is often an after-the-fact justification people use to excuse biases and prejudices they already have. Scouring religious texts and lifting obscure passages out of their context to confirm your preexisting biases does not transform those biases into sincerely held religious beliefs. It’s matter of convenience, not faith. And, frankly, it cheapens religion.

So please listen to this week’s episode and, as always, feel free to share your thoughts in the comments.

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Episode 5: Happy Thanksgiving!

On this special holiday edition of our podcast, we talk about how we met in a bar in Forest Park, Illinois, 28 years ago on the night before Thanksgiving, and began this crazy journey. On a more serious note, we also talk about the challenges people face during the holiday season, and especially the challenges LGBTQ+ people often face. Whether it’s family members who espouse harmful prejudices and toxic politics, who disapprove of you for who you are, or who simply do not understand your relationship, the holidays can be exceptionally stressful for the mixed-orientation community. Add to that the divisive times we live in where many people in the LGBTQ+ community, and especially our trans and nonbinary community members, face hatred, animosity, and even violence, and navigating this time of year can be too much.

While we don’t have the expertise to give mental health advice, we strongly urge everyone to take care of their mental wellbeing and do what’s best for themselves. Maybe that means avoiding stressful situations. Maybe that means confronting toxic friends and family members. Or maybe that means gritting your teeth and bearing it to avoid conflicts. The important thing is to do what works best for you — and to realize that you don’t have to resolve these problems right now. Time is on your side. Sometimes that’s the most important thing: to recognize that tomorrow is another day. 

Take care of yourselves this holiday season. If you think you need help, get help. And if it feels overwhelming and you don’t know where to turn, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention has resources that can help you get through this. Please reach out. There is always tomorrow. 

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Episode 4: Transgender Awareness Week; Challenges in Mixed-Orientation Relationships

In this episode we celebrate Transgender Awareness Week, talk about changing names and gender markers on identification documents, and give a shout-out to these great organizations fighting for the rights of transgender, nonbinary, and gender-nonconforming people everywhere:

Gender Justice in Minneapolis, Minnesota

The National Center for Transgender Equality (NCTE) — please note the correct URL is https://transequality.org (not ncte.org)

Lambda Legal

PFLAG

The Transformative Justice Law Project of Illinois

We also circle back to the main subject of our podcast: mixed-orientation relationships and the challenges partners in these relationships face. Although this is an ongoing discussion we hope to develop over many episodes, today we layout a basic framework for going forward, and the key words are trust and honesty. Be truthful at all times. Trust your partner. And — and this is key — don’t rush into rash decisions you’ll regret in the future. Time is on your side.

Please feel free to continue the conversation in the comments section. Thanks for listening! 

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Episode 3: Stereotypes and Expectations

In this episode, we circle back to our discussion of stereotypes in Episode 2 to dive a little deeper. As we observed last week, despite a person’s best intentions, there really are no “good” stereotypes. While a person’s intent is important, equally if not more important is the way that person’s messages are received: You may think you’re praising or supporting a group when you make generalizations about their qualities and characteristics, but your stereotypes can undermine a marginalized person’s sense of self and have the effect of isolating marginalized people even more than they otherwise are. If a marginalized person doesn’t fit your preconceived ideas about their group, it can add to the feeling that they don’t belong, either in society at large or in their own particular demographic group. Marginalized people should not have to live up to anyone’s expectations; they should be themselves. 

We also talk about our individual and collective need to evolve beyond our limited understanding of people who are different from us. By way of example, for its time, the extremely popular show, Seinfeld, was probably well ahead of the curve when it came to addressing LGBTQ+ issues. Watching the show today, however, is often cringe-inducing. But this is a good thing, because it’s a sign that we’re evolving. And we all have to start somewhere.

Ultimately, each of us needs to expand our definition of “normal” to include all the amazing variations of people we encounter everywhere. We’re not all there yet, but we’re getting there. 

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Episode 2: Everyone Has an Origin Story

In this week’s episode, we talk about how we got here and how difficult it can be for a person to accept their truth in the face of anti-LGBTQ+ prejudice. In that context, we share memories of Elton John’s journey from seemingly straight rock star to out-and-proud gay icon, a journey that resonates with us on a number of levels. 

It may seem odd in 2021 that a person could deny their own identity for decades, but to appreciate and understand it, you have to turn back the clock to a time when homophobia was as much a part of the environment as the air we breathed. It was a universally accepted fact of life. And so, too, were stereotypes about gay people, even though many of us simply did not fit in to those preconceived ideas about what it meant to be gay. In that dysfunctional environment, not everyone had the ability to perceive their own true selves, let alone the courage to accept it. We all move at our own pace and come to accept ourselves in our own time. And that’s okay.

The message: Everyone’s origin story is different, and everyone’s origin story is valid. Please give this episode a listen and share your thoughts in the comments.

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Episode 1: Welcome to Our Podcast

Welcome to the inaugural episode of our podcast. We are an older married couple from the Chicago area, but our relationship is not what you might expect. We are, for lack of a better term, in a mixed-orientation marriage. Our hope is that, through this podcast, we can demystify nontraditional marriages and relationships and expand our listeners’ understanding of committed adult relationships that are often overlooked or misunderstood. We also hope to create a community and a place for people in nontraditional relationships to find support and express themselves. Whether you’re like us — two loving people of different orientations — or gay, bisexual, transgender, nonbinary, or otherwise in a relationship that defies convention, we want you to know that we support you and want to give you a voice. If you are not in a nontraditional relationship but come to this podcast with an open mind, you are more than welcome to join us on our journey. 

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